My girlfriend's uncle was deeply unhappy. His life did not work out very well, he did not take place professionally, did not reveal himself, was not happy in the relationship. He felt lonely, annoyed, and in this solitude realized that the greatest suffering was brought to him by the fact that he had chosen the wrong woman at one time.
As a young man, he met a girl and fell in love, as he now says, for the first time. Everything was fine, absolutely nothing in the relationship was “wrong”. But uncle was very young and decided that he could not deprive himself of a choice when there were so many different options. Uncle did not know that he really had no choice. Rather, it was, of course, but he got the best option already then, at the very beginning of his research on "different options". He broke up with this girl and then regretted it all his life.
We often avoid situations of choice. We think for a long time, we can not decide. We stretch the moment of choice for as long as possible. Until we choose, we seem to leave an infinite number of options before us, and the choice forces us to narrow the infinity to just one. But do we really ever have more than one option?
In the context of human relations, with myself and with others, often the most painful are two questions: did I choose the right one and why did the other choose not as I expected. And in both cases, it is much wider than just choosing the “wrong” or “wrong” partner. We are tormented by the choice from the moment what to wear in the morning, where to go on vacation, and to difficult existential, moral and ethical elections. And having made a choice, we often do not support ourselves, but continue this torment with endless reasoning whether it was right. Perhaps, while the choice has not yet been made, it can also be evaluated in terms of "right / wrong", but with the choice made it hardly makes sense.
Of all the possible options, we each time choose the only feasible or the only desired. We never do what we do not want. And if the choice you make brings us suffering, then to a large extent suffering is exactly what we wanted. It’s definitely not worth blaming yourself. Many of us have been brought up in such a way that life needs to be “sustained,” not lived and enjoyed. In such a paradigm, expectations and requirements of what is happening are limited by the parameter "I kind of can survive this way: yes / no." It’s not about living boldly, joyfully, creatively, fillingly. I can bear it, and that's enough. Thoughts or desires of something more within such frameworks are rejected. After all, they beckon, call, promise something unrealizable and are sure to deceive and will definitely rob. And you, like a fool, believed. But the truth is that it is fools who are so afraid of being deceived, seeming unwise, that they hold on to their empty, "normal", as for the last frontier. There is no worse fate for a fool than to fool around, but it’s all the same to the wise. If he follows a dream and a horizon, who can fool him?
Each time, choosing a tit in our hand, we forget how to look into the sky. We live our lives without a single star above our heads. Let “life” teach us to choose tits, I choose to reach for the sky. It is so difficult for me sometimes to understand how someone chooses something other than flight. But, as I already wrote, we always choose exactly what we can choose now and what we really want now.
Being very young, my girlfriend's uncle broke up with his girlfriend for fear of depriving himself of a choice, and then he regretted it all his life. But to regret all life, avoiding reality and living contact with people, is also a choice, uncle.
See also: Saturday column: How to start a new life after a hard breakup