For the first time in 11 years, I'm alone. Not in a relationship. All this past time, history went in a circle. Some of my relationships ended, albeit always on my initiative or mutual desire, but still, for a short time I was sad, and then someone else immediately appeared. Sometimes this period of time was calculated in a few hours. The emptiness in the heart did not really have time to form, as someone new filled it. The older we got, the faster we started to live together, reducing all these tedious preludes and sharing to a minimum. But in fact, without leaving yourself silence and the opportunity to hear yourself. Moreover, I always had an unconfirmed feeling that I would like to be myself, which is good for me. However, frankly, I avoided being alone. Over the past 11 years, I just now finally decided to confirm or refute this assumption, rejecting all other possible options.
And now, alone with myself, I thought about how we choose our partners. It’s funny and scary how often this choice is based on such common ground that is completely covered by the format of the “profile of friends” in elementary school. One of my lovers once told me: “Time will pass and you will remember me only as a guy who loved Blur.” This is not to say that he was so wrong. Music has always been of such great importance to me that at the time of my early youth I simply did not take seriously anyone whose tastes did not coincide with mine by 90%. Later I became more flexible, and each of my novels, although it remained in approximately the same aesthetic paradigm, was nevertheless marked clearly and unequivocally by the musical tastes of the lover. Interesting for the sake of, I made a playlist of my loves. Someone took the place in one song, some more, some appeared in the playlist several times, with interruptions of different durations. The victory in this simple musical ring was won by Pink Floyd. “Time will pass and you will remember me only as the guy who loved Blur.” And you like a girl who loved Pink Floyd. Well, well deserved
Recently, I watched two men talking at a business meeting. One was in a white shirt, fit, a good watch, neat glasses. The second one was not athletic at all, in a flannel shirt, no watches, no glasses. It was hard to look away from the second. He was drawn to with incredible strength. Why is that? I am not a champion of the dad bod trend, so that’s not the point. What was attractive in him was his relaxedness, his control over the dialogue. He had a conversation even when he was silent. The “white shirt” apparently had formal power, but his opponent had real power. This man, obviously, knew what he wanted and allowed himself to take it. Confidence, the ability to make decisions and act, bold leadership of one’s desires and values is the level of freedom that creates the range of the personality you are reaching for. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s a man or a woman, this magnetism is not an attribute of a social gender role. This is an element of the spirit that exists outside of social constructivism. Therefore, he does not “transfer” in any way with the change of position on a business card or logo on a corporate T-shirt.
Is it possible to fill your own value if you are not alone? I thought that there was something in the way the Jungian "self" echoes the Ukrainian "self". Once alone with yourself, you can finally breathe out, driving fresh air through your body, and feel the silence in which your own songs will begin to sound one by one. Whenever I was asked, I always said that I was guided by my own values when choosing a partner. I could confidently name many of them, but only now I felt how much they depended on my hormonal state and the strength of the person’s charisma nearby.
Can you tell yourself what is really valuable to you, and can you firmly follow these values? If yes, and if you want, then you can safely turn around, readily go next to people with whom these values can be multiplied.
And you can stay for a while in the sweet state of falling in love with yourself. Perhaps for the first time, looking at himself not in the reflection of prying eyes, but directly, as it is.
See also: Saturday column: Why do we choose freedom instead of a loved one nearby