Recently, at a friendly breakfast, we talked about Nolokov's “Lolita”. So, discussing literature, we turned to the topics of abuse, sexual harassment and abuse of power. We were unanimous about the inadmissibility of these phenomena. All of the above is outside the scope of what is permitted and is not subject to any justification. However, discussing these topics, we quietly came to the other side of the issue. We became afraid to flirt.
I am 31, and when I talk about the 80s, it seems to me that it was recently and that I was a little less then then than now. Therefore, it seems to me that there is nothing shameful in acquiring a stranger and pulling him to you with a smile. Sometimes I am so lacking in this freedom of expression and insolence in my actions. Not slippery or vulgar, but lively and bold. The freedom to flirt in the modern world has been preserved as a unique sign of appearance or unexpected occupational deformation among taxi drivers (though they have it, it often comes out frighteningly).
Why are we no longer joking “almost on the edge”? Sharp, subtle and smart, but in the light of day and without continuations. Why don't we make each other blush about nice compliments? Why can I no longer come to some institution in the evening and leave after a couple of hours happy and filled with other people's attention, giving my answer? And nothing more.
Where did all the flirting disappear?
Is it really fear or a desire not to violate the framework of another's space, a need to conform to modern ideas about freedom and aggression?
Or maybe the problem is completely different? And in fact, we just forgot how to stay in this subtle, filling state of excitement, without transforming it immediately into action? Maybe we forgot how to flirt, if this is not followed by sex?
With sex, everything is much simpler. You install a well-known application and as if you are buying an indulgence for yourself to say directly without condemnation: “Let's just have sex.” The territory of the general social contract, a semi-anonymous reality, where it is easier to agree in detail with a stranger on how, where and under what circumstances you will play your darkest sexual scenario, rather than being a sweet and lively person who dreams of a relationship. We can no longer withstand excitement, we merge it, sometimes not even filling it completely.
After all, flirting is that "thank you" that you can put in your pocket, but for which no one owes you anything. Flirting is another form of gratitude: “Thank you for looking so beautiful, moving, talking! I admire you, and I am so happy, excitement envelops me. “I want it to embrace you, too, because from his energy you can make a lot of all the beautiful.” In fact, this is an infinitely long accumulation and increase in excitation, which does not require a guaranteed outcome. A process for the sake of a process.
Perhaps the ability to flirt is as rare as a good sense of humor, a refined taste, a fascinating conversation? After all, good flirting is possible only between intelligent, strong and full of people.
Are we mean and shy? We don’t want to give something without a guarantee to get something more substantial? Are we so intimidated by each other and ourselves with new gender roles that we have lost the simple joy of being spontaneous?
One way or another, whatever the reason (rather, the totality of them all), we are obviously starting to lose something optional, but very important and revitalizing. Flirting requires generosity. Therefore, I hope never to stop flirting with men and women, of different ages and appearance, in different circumstances. Well, otherwise, what is this world without a glass of sparkling wine? Cheers!
Read also: Saturday column: About love and boundaries in relationships