Saturday column: Honesty in a relationship. Myth or reality?

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We are launching a new column, “Saturday Column,” which will be released accordingly every Saturday. Her author, our new editor, is a girl who was never able to choose a pseudonym and chose to remain incognito. Column about relationships, love, psychology, men, personal experiences and the girl’s inner world (for 30).

It is easy to confuse when you / others value relationships, when their comfort is valued.

It happened, I tried to keep the relationship with a lie. All of them eventually collapsed ingloriously. Because when relationships are important to you, you are telling the truth. No matter how unattractive, unprofitable for you it may be. You say the most “terrible” truth, because even if the chance is negligible – this is still the only chance to maintain a relationship. When relations are deeply indifferent to you, but the comfort of these relations is important, you lie and you will never reveal the truth. Comfortable – does not mean happy, perfect, good. Comfort is the usual order of things, allowing you not to move, not to touch reality. You preserve the order of things, destroying the chance of contact and depth. Often this is justified by “high” motives, although all that is really important at this moment is the preservation of comfort and self-image. This desire is also superimposed on our own life scenario with a deep fear of discovering our vulnerability, and we get the configuration of shadow people that are disconnected inside and connected by a common mask outside. Hence all these endlessly alien people smiling from family photos, colleagues hugging from 9 to 18 and spitting from 18 and in private conversations, organizations playing, not creating. Hostages of their own comfort and helplessness.

The same thing with admiration and love. I admire – I want you, I want you. Often this is about the desire to have in yourself what is in another. And behind the failure of attempts to possess this in oneself, there is a need to absorb and extinguish, so as not to experience pain and a feeling of emptiness from disappointment in the image of oneself. So there is a depreciation. “You are so talented, so deep and incredible. You admire me. I guess I love you ”- now we replace the pronoun“ you ”with the pronoun“ I ”, and that’s all that is really necessary. Say to yourself: “I am so talented, so deep and incredible. I admire myself. I guess I love myself. " That's right, you are the object of your true love, striving for realization. Find in yourself everything that you want to take in another. Accept that which you cannot objectively have. Truth is worthy of love more than a fictional self-image.

From the admiration of love, it no longer becomes, and a true friend, as you know, "slaughter you in front." In no case do I discount the lie. On the contrary, I think lying is a good social mechanism, necessary, but only when you are not lying to yourself. Only thanks to lies are there such wonderful things as Santa Claus, first date sex and The Beatles lyrics. In some cases, lying is vital: you must lie when describing the size of the moon and the catch.

Calm admiration, full of respect, devoid of the desire to possess and an endless clip of their own projections, is woven from warmth and inspiration. I love to admire you.

If you dare to be truthful, take responsibility and come into contact with your true self, throwing away the image, you risk living your own life, not someone else's life, without anyone at hand who could be accused of how it, this life, has developed, shouting in the heat of the fire righteous anger: “I did it for you!” / “But I'm not as strong and talented as you!” / “Well, what could I do?”

See also: 5 books that can replace a couple of sessions of psychotherapy

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