Personal notes: A quarrel at the beginning of a relationship is the best way to strengthen the bond between you

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The author of the column is a girl who could not choose a pseudonym and chose to remain incognito. Column about relationships, love, psychology, men, personal experiences and the girl’s inner world (for 30).

It happens that you meet a person and a voice in your head screams heart-rendingly: "Oh, no, we’ve gone through this story a hundred times, it won’t end in anything good!" It happens that after that you have a relationship, and then they last for years. Some even manage to start a family and acquire joint property or debt, completely ignoring this cry in the background.

But more often, nevertheless, we enter into a new relationship, shrouded in the soft fog of our own hopes. At first, everything seems magical, perfect. In a new relationship, we ourselves turn into a spreading piece of butter on a pancake with maple syrup: tender, sweet, enveloping. We do not complain, we are not angry, we do not expect anything, and we only crave to give. We keep our backs straight, we speak, only thinking well about the feelings of the other, we are careful and do not insist on our own. In response, we get the same sugar. We often fear that it will all end: that we will disappoint or disappoint us.

And I'm always afraid of just that too. But at some point in a new relationship I get really scared if a fight does not occur. We’ve been together for some time, but we still don’t swear.

A good quarrel is much less likely to break new relationships than a constantly perfectly straight back and complete control over every word. When you finally relax your belts and unfasten your corsets, when you exhale a little from the marathon of ideal dates, that's when the real acquaintance begins.

If you hold this grip for a long time in your own body, then in one day you may naturally want to just send everything to hell, quarrel immediately forever, in order to finally remove this constant tension. That is why the absence of a quarrel can be much more dangerous than its presence.

It was because of this need to relieve tension, I probably sometimes experienced my quarrels with new lovers with some special pleasure, sometimes even joy. Such quarrels, after which you leave the room with the feeling that everything is finally over and I can return to the harmony of my solo existence, the holy order of things. And the older you get, the more you value and become attached to this order.

Having quarreled, packed up and dramatically going out into the street, we protect ourselves from becoming someone else's disappointment. I was disappointed first, I remained impeccable. I go towards the house, I am impeccable, and everything around seems like an episode of the movie, in which, of course, the main role is mine. But only I’m not at all sure that this is a talented movie.

When we finally had a fight, I realized that for the first time I did not want to leave this room, that for the first time I felt accepted by another person. For the first time, something about love sounded in my head, and tenderness spilled in my heart: I am not disappointed, I am touched, I am not rejected, I am valuable.

In a new relationship, we are impeccable, and it scares. After all, no one is really impeccable. And the fact that we do not swear, rather indicates that we are not able to create a space for proximity. After all, the most valuable thing is what happens to a relationship after disappointment. When you first see a person truly vulnerable. Exposing one's weaknesses or fears, the needy, the lost. Already not perfect, but alive. The experience of the fact that I was bad, unbearable or dissatisfied, and in return they did not push me away, did not punish me, but accepted, perhaps this is the first experience of love, not love.

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